If this is what You want
by Kasadija957
Summary: Arthur makes a decision. Merlin suffers, and Arthur realises what Merlin means to him. My idea of how Merlin series would end. SPOILERS 4x03. NOT SLASH!


**A/N Well, Merlin 4x03 episode started all right, it was funny, and positive and when Merlin finally got the chance to use magic and get it allowed in Camelot I was more than happy, but then, that bitch Morgana came! And it made me realise something. Who said that Merlin tv series will end up well? Who said Merlin will be able to tell Arthur the truth, and who said that he will accept it? Right now, this is how Merlin will end in my eyes.**

**P.S. This story isn't happening right after 4x03. More like, many years after, after much more deaths and disappointments. It's just a small moment that came into my mind. **

**Declaimer: I don't own anything, otherwise Morgana would be long gone, death in some terrible, pathetic death!**

„If... If that's really what you think, if you think that no matter what person it is, as long as he holds magic he's evil, and a monster, then go on and kill me." Merlin or should we say Dragoon said. Arthur really was a fool for not discovering who Dragoon really is after all this time. Still couldn't recognize Merlin in other form. Maybe Arthur isn't that blind in people. Maybe he just cares about Merlin less then Merlin thinks. Then, maybe it's really ok.

So Dragoon pressed the knife into Arthur's hand, and Arthur looked down at it, surprised.

„Do it if you're sure of it. If you're sure there will be no regrets later, because if they come it'll already be too late." Dragoon said keeping Arthurs hand with knife in his own, to make sure Arthur doesn't kill him before he's ready. „There's no looking back, once it's done, it's done." Dragoon took deep breath, „So are you sure, you will be able to cope with this?"

Arthur looked up, confused of what is Dragoon telling him. Blue eyes met other pair of blue. They stared deep into other eyes, but Arthur still couldn't recognize his old friend. Ha, now Merlin really doubted if Arthur actually knew the truth he would call him "friend". More like enemy, murderer or monster. "Arthur, I never wanted anything of this. Never wanted to hurt anybody more over kill..."

"Well, you should have thought about it, before you killed my father!" Arthur interrupted him.

"I never wanted that either! It's true he did much harm to my kind, but no one deserves to die! I... I wish that would have never happened." Dragoon said lowering his head in regret.

"Well, the fact that you're sorry won't change a thing! Every single magic user is evil, and he does not deserve to live!" Arthur shouted.

Dragoon let go of Arthur's hand, still keeping his gaze down. "I guess that answers the question."

And Arthur moved his hand.

I guess that was, what was expected from the very beginning. Merlin did not live in fairy tale and neither did Arthur. They lived in real world, and reality never was pleasant. And thought all the trying Merlin made, thought everything he gave it still wasn't enough. And this time... this time he truly gave his everything. This was what destiny was taking him to from the very beginning. All the good times, the jokes, laughs, all that friendship was just a cover from the very beginning. Merlin was never meant to save his kind from the suffering. Arthur was never meant to except Merlin's secret. All these years... they were just a dream and Merlin got to taste the reality only now. And it tasted so bitter, he already felt ok with dying. Ok with that feeling when the sharp metal slips into your gut, the hilt being held by the closest person Merlin had left. Ok with that breath that got stuck in his lungs, as sharp pain took over. Ok with his knees slowly giving in. Ok with that feeling when magic is leaving him. And it felt so good. He felt like something so heavy have been lift from his shoulders for the first time in his life. Like the world suddenly became much easier to bear.

While Merlin was slowly falling from his knees to ground he laid his eyes on Arthur. He was staring at Merlin, in Arthur's eyes – Dragoon, and his face slowly changed. From pitiful to surprised. No, not surprised... more like desperate. Merlin wandered what did Arthur saw. Did Arthur suddenly felt sorry for an old man, bleeding to death on cold stone floor?

"M-Merlin?" Arthur said, his voice barely audible whisper.

Oh, that's right. If Merlin's magic was gone then the spell that made him look old was gone too. Well, this is awkward. Merlin wasn't sure he was ready for this.

Arthur fell to his knees and took Merlin's head on his lap.

"Wha-, Who-, did someone enchanted you? Who?"

Merlin chuckled, though it sounded wrong. Probably something to do with his mouth full of blood.

"I'm—I'm not en... chanted. This is... the real me." Merlin said with smile on his face, "Monster... for all my life."

Arthur looked down at him, step away from crying.

"But... But you just-, What? I don't understand." Arthur was confused.

"Too bad, I really... don't feel like story-telling right now."

"Are... Are you a sorcerer?"

Merlin looked in Arthurs eyes again. This time, for the first time in his life – honestly, face to face, with no lies.

"Yes. I... know it sounds... weird, but I... was born like this." He took a breath, a moment to gain a little more control over the pain, "I... I wish I would have the straight to tell you... everything... without any lies."

Arthur did not know what to think, his head had gone blank. He bit his lip so to not cry, but it became harder and harder looking down at the very best friend he ever had lying dying in his arms, and realising Arthur didn't know a damn about Merlin.

Suddenly Merlin grabbed Arthurs arm to get his attention. Grip hard, face full of determination so strong, it seemed Merlin is alright again.

"Arthur, I want you to know, no matter what anyone," grip tighter, "_Anyone_ says, I truly, _never_ wanted to harm _anyone_, and I'm so, so very sorry I did. Arthur, everything I did, I tried to do for the best. But I didn't succeed. No matter what, I never wanted to betray you, or lie to you. What I said to you, my friendship, it was real, and still is. _You are my very best friend Arthur._" Merlin said with some strange flame in his eyes, that had nothing to do with magic. He kept staring in Arthurs eyes, and Arthur stared back, waiting for Merlins words to soak in. But he didn't have enough time. Merlin started couching, couching hard, blood dripping from his mouth on to floor, colouring everything crimson – Merlin's pale skin, his clothes, the stone ground, even Arthur's clothes got that red colour on them. And he had no one to wash them for him. Not anymore.

"Merlin, hang in there!"Arthur said, not sure does he meant it. Merlin was, what? Sorcerer? Liar? _Murderer_? He of all people? But Arthur didn't care, right now he didn't want Merlin death. He really, _really_ didn't want to face his death. He _really_ couldn't handle Merlin's death by his arms. "Come on, you can't die! Merlin! You can't! I don't want you death! I don't care who you are, hell, I don't care who _I am_, king or not, _you are my friend_, and you _can't die_!"

Merlin smiled at those words, his smile weak, barely holding there. What's there to say? I told you so? It was your choice? It was _your fault_? It's too late now, anyway.

"_Thanks_."

And that was enough.

**A/N Gosh, did the end was too sweet? I tried to keep it cool, but I really didn't want to kill Merlin without having a good last talk with Arthur. **

**Umm, I would be very, **_**very**_** happy to read some reviews, but I do realise this story or my Morgana-hate is very strongly shown, and If disagree, please, at least don't publish anything rude. I did try my best and negative comments really hurts my feelings.**

**Thank you for reading!**


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